⛤ DUPLICITY ⛤ IC INBOX ⛤ UN: SHADOWHAND ⛤

[dunemantic]

 
 
 
 
 





[ this is the ic inbox for Essek Thelyss @ Duplicity ]

⛤ art by schnetzle

Comments

[dunemantic]

[ This is...a surprise isn't the right word, with how Caleb had been working away on something to diligently lately, but it's unexpected. He's impressed, he's touched, he's grateful. He glances over at Caleb, unable to hold back a smile, and turns his attention back to the glass panes. He steps over, running a hand across the transmuted surface. ]

This is...

[ To say the spell itself was impressive would be a lie. He's no transmutation wizard, so for him it would have taken quite a bit of time and effort to figure out, but for someone with Caleb's specialism? Changing the colour of a pane of glass is, in itself, nothing too special. What's impressive to Essek is that he concocted a utility spell all his own with only what he had at his disposal. Utility spells are always more impressive than people think, they require more precision and less grandeur.

He's impressed less with the spell than he is with Caleb as a person, but that's always how it's been. It's the cats paw all over again. ]

This was very kind of you. Thank you very much.

[casted]

[ caleb waits with his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his trousers, up to his wrists, fingers curling and uncurling as he watches essek look over his work. there's half of caleb that is certain it isn't sufficient, but he knows it's fairly bright out now. the spell holds up quite well without his having to baby it. working with what he had at his disposal had been... more fun than he'd expected. less frustrating, more teaching himself about alternate utilizations. ]

I needed a small project to keep my hands busy. [ there is no war here, no one to fight (physically at least) ] It is not much of a living room if only one person in the house lives in it, ja?

[ he moves towards the couch and takes a seat on it, looking at essek. ]

Would you sit with me? Just a bit. I... would like to speak with you. [ and then, knowing his own anxiety and how it would eat at him wholly if he didn't say— ] It is nothing bad.

[dunemantic]

[ He's so very glad that Caleb is on the same page as him when it comes to clarity. Knowing that what Caleb wants to speak about is nothing bad does help, but not entirely.

He has a pretty good idea what this is about. It was bound to happen soon anyway.

He nods, and joins Caleb on the couch. He tries to seem at lease about it, but really that's a lost cause. His hands fold on his lap, then refold in a different position; the smallest action of nerves.

He's nervous, but not frightened. That's new, when it comes to this particular situation. He thinks maybe it's because Caleb lead with a gift--clever. Very clever. The cleverness only solidifies what he's been thinking about for the last few days. He knows his approach to what he's sure is coming. This will be fine, even if it ends up hurting. he can handle it. He clenches his hands together again, and he smiles. ]

I would hope so, I've enjoyed your company and apparently it reaps rewards as well.

[casted]

[ essek nears him on the couch, which is a good sign. the fact that he isn't trying to avoid him or excuse himself so quickly from the situation. there is a lot that caleb really wants to talk about. that evening huddled under the meager blanket and pile of coats in caleb's apartment in the down had revealed a significant amount to him. he looks down at his own lap, taps fingers against his own, chalk-dusted knuckles a moment before taking a breath. ]

I've enjoyed your company as well, Essek. And there is something that must be discussed between you and I.

[ lifting his hand, he opens it to essek, palm up. ]

This is very... it has been a long time... since I have felt this strongly for someone. I wish that I could approach this in a more eloquent manner.

[ he turns to meet essek's eyes, but only for half a moment, nerves again, but trying. ]

You and I, we get along well, don't we?

[dunemantic]

[ A long time for Caleb is what, two decades at the very most? If Essek were more petty (or perhaps more petty towards Caleb, he's plenty petty to others) he might scoff--its been far longer for him, and he feels the weight of it heavy on his shoulders.

It's different for them. He knows it is. Caleb, whatever his secrets and responsibilities are, can't possibly match his own, surely.

He only nods, acknowledging and open to whatever...this conversation chooses to be. ]

We do.

[casted]

And I would like that to continue, [ the fingers of his open hand curl a bit. ] and perhaps... pursue more, if you are so inclined.

[ he remembers the warmth of essek pressed to his side, the ease of which he'd fallen asleep, and maybe it wouldn't have been so easy if he hadn't been tired and freezing, but even now, seated beside him, there is a level of comfort that essek gives to him, even without the cold and the necessity of it all. simply essek and the familiarity of his magic. ]

It does not have to be now. We are in the middle of still figuring this place out for what it is. I do not want it to get in the way of that, of our work, but I want you to know that I care for you.

[dunemantic]

[ He wants to reach out to Caleb's hand. He had considered it, but had hesitated for too long. The fact that that aches doesn't concern him as much as it would have months ago. He understands what he's feeling, if he doesn't necessarily like it.

He looks down at Caleb's hand as it curls in, and he thinks. He thinks until he looks up at Caleb's face again, and speaks. ]

While I would like nothing more than to put this off indefinitely, neither of us would enjoy it I think. We have danced around this enough.

[ That was...harsh. Brusque. He smiles sympathetically, in at attempt to make it clear that there is more to say. His lips tighten as he tries to push the words out--he really wishes he had a glass of wine right now. Easier to run than talk about his feelings. ]

Everything I have done in my life has been planned, meticulously. Weighing the odds is what I do. I have made a career out of understanding how to handle delicate situations without anyone needing to know that the situation is being handled. But I did not plan for you, and no matter how well that I think I might understand you, you continue to surprise me. I think it's time that I ask, rather than try to figure you out.

You know how I feel. I was...delirious when I said what I did, but I was honest. I need to know what you want, and what you think our relationship is, if I am to make the right decision.

[casted]

[ caleb doesn't deny it. he's danced around many emotions in his life, and a place like duplicity makes it even harder to keep up with the complicated steps of this particularly one that leaves him twisted up inside like a patch of briar. ]

I know you were delirious... I almost did not believe you were serious, but hearing this from you now is... good. Reassuring. [ we must be honest. we must be honest. there's a fear in the back of caleb's mind that keeps repeating those treacherous things (he is using you he is using you, he is using you) but he squeezes his eyes a moment, takes a breath, removes it form his mind for just a heartbeat. ]

I wish to reassure you as well, as unplanned as all of this is. [ caleb hearing that he is unplanned for is not unusual. he shifts inward, turns towards essek as much as he can from his place beside him on the couch, knees brushing now, thighs glancing. i cannot be weak, i cannot let anyone into my heart, but the fact of the matter is that he already has. the nein, nott... essek is a fairly new addition but...

one he wants to make more of, and every day he struggles. ]

I would like to ask if it is against the rules of being a Shadowhand for one to engage in... a romantic relationship.

[ dancing, dancing, always dancing, caleb's fingers uncurl once more. maybe a second chance, maybe just a reflex, he doesn't know, maybe he'll make a fool of himself again. ]

[dunemantic]

[ I cannot be weak, I cannot let anyone into my heart, he is using you. The same words have been circling through Essek's mind for months, every single time Caleb has wormed his way further under Essek's skin.

But he's thought about this after his rather unfortunate confession, really thought about it. He's not afraid of taking risks, but he needs to know the odds.

Essek doesn't take Caleb's open hand--he hasn't gotten the answer he needs yet, so he resists. The touch of their legs is a thrill, another barrier broken (because he's not sure he can count huddling for warmth as an intentional intimacy). ]

It's not, though my position as Shadowhand is for all intents and purposes on hold at present. But...

[ He pauses, trying to find the right words in common to express exactly what he's thinking. ]

My concern isn't for the rules, it's for your safety, and my own. You didn't answer my question. I think I've been honest enough to deserve honesty in return.

[casted]

You do. I am dancing again.

[ it is fear, but he keeps his hand open. he knows what he wants and it is all in a matter of saying it. ]

I care for you. Deeply. More than I have let myself care for someone in a long while. I have closed myself for too long... [ and he has been pried open like an oyster, been shown softness and care. from nott first, and then from jester's teasing words, from the passage of blood from palm to palm, from beauregard and her acknowledging every word from his mouth, from start to finish. in time, essek will have to know these words as well, and part of him fears that the most. what weapons, these words are. ] ... and I would like to open up again. To you. In this moment. I wish to know you deeper, more than anyone else.

[ his eyes draw up briefly before focusing just at essek's shoulder, as the curve of his ear, a place to rest his eyes that isn't direct contact because he can only draw his teeth over his lip, suck in a breath.

jester's smut makes this look so easy, but neither of them is in the throes of passion, no one is on the brink of death in the other's arms, they are merely two men sitting on a couch in a dim room and caleb feels all his words fail him. ]

I would like to allow you into my heart. [ he lifts his other hand up, presses it to his own chest over his heart which throbs painfully almost. ] That is what I want. I want you to know me and I... want to know you, I am... fond of you. [ a stifled laugh at himself, words fail him ] Very fond. You are different from anyone I have met before. I did not think I would ever come across someone who understands me so fully in such a short amount of time. I want more... I wish to explore our possibilities together. Every fathom and depth.

[ like the ocean, dark and unknown, but full of wonder. ]

Love has not found me in years, but it finds me now. That is my truth.

[ the word sits heavy on his tongue, like a wax seal over his fate. ]

[dunemantic]

[ Caleb speaks, and the words that reach Essek like his own feelings, hidden and quiet in his chest, spoken back to him. It's surreal, how similar they are as people, in spite of everything. In spite of the empire, and the dynasty, in spite of their nurture and their nature alike. His expression softens as Caleb speaks, opens up past his nerves and his tension into pure empathy. Empathy, and melancholy.

How can he be anything but melancholy, when he has such goodness in front of him that he will only disappoint? ]

Thank you.

[ He says thank you a lot in his job, with his status. It's polite, but he never means it as deeply as he means it now. He glances down at Caleb's hand, but still doesn't take it. No, he has to speak first. ]

I feel very much the same, and because of that...I didn't expect to care for you as much as I do, so it gives me pause. I have done things that I'm not proud of--and many that I am that perhaps I shouldn't be. You...a former scourger, I don't doubt you're in the same position.

[ His hands remain still on his lap. Clenched. He doesn't move, because it isn't in his nature to emote with his body. It's not in his nature to emote at all. He learned to bottle it all up a long time ago. ]

We have in front of us a unique situation. We are trapped for a seemingly indefinite time, with our responsibilities on hold. I very much want to be able to explore these possibilities. I think perhaps that I need to. I could allow you to know me as I am, here and now, but there will always be secrets and concerns that can only be addressed when we are returned to our own conflicts. I don't need to know what you've done or who you've been. I hope you don't need to know the same from me.

[casted]

[ caleb watches essek's face as he speaks, finds himself biting the inside of his cheek as essek speaks of secrets, of concerns, of the past, of the present. he couldn't agree more because in this moment he doesn't think he'd be ready to tell essek just what awful things he's done. the scourgers themselves... they are beholden to such terrible deeds, but caleb doesn't know how he would be able to explain the murder of his own parents by his own hand. the way that there is no justifying it, that caleb will be atoning for his sins for all eternity. ]

I do not. We may remain as we are for the time being.

[ in time, perhaps, in time he would ask. time is everything to essek, time is magic. he looks down at essek's hands, finds his own twitching just slightly. it's an impulse to move forward, to brush knuckles with the tips of his fingers and take essek's hands into his own. where his are rough, tried, burned and callused, essek's are soft, hairless, smooth and worn only between the fingers that clutch his pen.

(caleb thinks in the deepest recesses of his mind, oh to be that pen.)

he breathes out, nearly silent, takes essek's palms into his own and brings his gaze upwards. ]

Then we are in agreement, [ he says, nearly a whisper with how frightened he is of the overwhelming embers suddenly burning into a wildfire within his chest, smoking out every emotion through his teeth like a dragon. a moment of hesitation is but a moment as he dips his head, lifts essek's hands, presses his dry, chapped lips to the line of his knuckles quickly, a breath of a kiss before a blush colors his cheeks, his throat, sneaks beneath his shirt to anoint him in a heat of uncertainty but giddiness. ] I am glad that the air is clear... so to speak. Between us both. I don't want to dance around you, anymore, but with you.

[dunemantic]

[ The for the time being sits badly in Essek's stomach. He's not sure that he will ever need to know what Caleb's done in his life that's he's so afraid of, and at this present time he hopes Caleb never does ask the same of him. Still, he knows well enough how fickle time is, and how impossible absolutes are in terms of the future. For the time being is a concession that, perhaps, he is willing to make.

But then his hands are in Caleb's, and then Caleb's lips graze against his knuckles, and he is hyperfocused on the heat. He's never met a transmutation who burns as hot as Caleb does, whose body takes his capabilities so literally. It's in his hair, his eyes, the ruddy tone of his skin, every freckle and every fingerprint. Caleb's heat is the poetry his own cold bones lack.

He can't help smiling. He can't identify what this feeling actually is. It resembles the sparkling satisfaction of academic and magical achievement, but it's different. It warms from the inside, like tea and honey. He's relieved is what he is, and happy, which is foreign. ]

I'm not a, ah, particularly good dancer so that you might want to reconsider.

[ It's a joke, a playful ribbing. He gently pulls his hands away from Caleb's, only to replace them on Caleb's cheeks, thumbs bracing his ears and fingers resting on the base of his skull. He glances down at Caleb's lips, and he just knows they're as warm as the rest of him. There is absolutely no going back from the leap he wants to take. ]

Caleb, I--

[ How does he even...]

[casted]

It has been a long time for me too. Don't worry, you have a rusty partner.

[ the touch is unbearably soft, cradling his cheeks, his face. he almost wants to drop the weight of his head into it, for the moment to know that someone else has the heaviness of his head in their palms. pressing one of his cheeks a moment into essek's palm, he finds his eyes and knows where the rest of this goes, an unavoidably pleasant chain of events that has him embracing impulse.

magic is unknowable at times, much like the sensation of a kiss after too long. his breath catches for a second before he leans forward and presses his mouth softly to essek's. it's a testing kiss, one that lands its mark well enough, that tastes the shape of his cupid's bow briefly. he'd stay longer, but the ringing heat in and around his ears, causing them to redden deeply drives him to pull back, but only mere centimeters. he feels breathless, tries to hold it in because he wants nothing more than to kiss essek again, perhaps for longer.

but now he waits, watches for his reaction, lip between his teeth a moment as if he could drag the rest of the taste of him into his mouth before he speaks again. ]

But how is that... for a start?

[dunemantic]

[ Essek doesn't enjoy kissing. Or, at least, he thought he didn't. The only partner he's had in his century of adulthood that he's actually enjoyed kissing was the first, the one so far away and distant in his lived experience. The others hadn't meant anything at all, and kissing seemed far too intimate.

And it is intimate. It's short and yet it fills his entire chest with the moths that flutter in circles. It almost tingles from Caleb's warmth.

He doesn't want it to stop, he realizes when it does. He wants to feel the beginnings of stubble pressed against his chin and cheeks, and to communicate that intimacy again and again. ]

I think...that was a very good start.

[ And he closes the gap between them again, like kissing Caleb could speak beyond his words. ]

[casted]

[ caleb doesn't expect essek to close the space between them a second time, but he indulges in it, finds that there's a delightful warm feeling curling up in the space between his sternum and skin that he doesn't want to leave. he presses in closer, his hands shifting a bit, finding the curve of essek's shoulder for stability. when he kisses him again, it's a little longer, nothing incredibly raunchy, still fairly demure with lips exploring lips.

he finds the surly little curl of where essek's mouth can go from sour to sweet, tips his nose up only slightly to brush them together before renewing the kiss a third time with a soft, breathless laugh.

stopping feels out of the question, even though caleb knows he needs a slight shave. he wonders what essek's skin would look like if he didn't take the concept of beard burn into consideration.

maybe? time would tell? ]